Ocelot!

So here I am again, turning this blog into a space where I whine about not being able to write. Did I ever stop to think that the only thing keeping me from writing is, well, me? (On a quick side note, why does the autocorrect on my phone always think I want to say "we'll" when I type "well?")

Still, in all honesty, there is nothing to stop me from going home and writing. It is done with ease. I just clean up and go home. Then I explain to my boss why my stories are far more important than my work. In reality, I hold these stories in a much higher regard than I do my job. Why then, do I not simply make my writing a priority?

For many reasons, I say. I must pay my bills. I must eat. I must style my hair like Jennifer Love-Hewitt. If I were to allow myself to engage in all of my desires free will, I would likely be dead by now, having starved on the street.

My faith works in the same way as my writing; while it is most important to me, I find that I am unwilling to put my faith before my worldly needs and desires. When you think about this, it seems kind of stupid. If Christ is my Lord and Saviour, and I put all trust in him then surely he will not let me starve on the street, right?

It doesn't work like that. I must put Christ before all things, this is correct. However, he is not going to give me everything on a silver platter. In truth, he is far more likely to take that silver platter away from me.

Why, then, do I strive to follow Him and not just cheer him on? Because I know that at the end of all things, he offers everlasting love and paradise. Not some vacation place with skis and bikinis, but a place where I am at peace and always at his side.

That really sounds like fun? Yah, sure, you betcha! A place where I no longer have to toil or ache? Uh, DUH!

Doesn't that make your stories and the like worthless? No. We are made on God's image. God is creator of all things. By telling my stories I am creating, this I am mirroring God.

Where is all of this leading? To the conclusion that God gave me a wonderful gift an I am wasting it. This is foolish and I must begin to prioritize to do the things God has asked me to do.

God asked you to write? He gave me this talent, didn't he? I only pray that my writing, whether successful or not, published or unpublished, gives glory to him.

End rant for today. Also...that's right!! I did all of that on my iPhone! Woot!

So here it is...

Who had direction in college?

I don't mean from your advisers and the like.  I mean you had an idea of your future and you worked towards it, even if that plan changed a little or a lot, you weren't just listlessly floating in the collegiate abyss.

I have met a few of these floaters in my time.  They dream of doing this or that, they seem to know exactly what they want in life...but they have no ambition or direction to go get it.  Perhaps at some point even I was one of them.  I can't say one way or the other, but I would like to think that I always had a smidgen of direction. 

Perhaps it is just the changes in my life that is making me contemplate such things.  I got married in December.  Directly upon our return in January, we were hit with a very frightening financial crisis.  I had been loosely looking for a steady job since before the wedding, but my search was now becoming more serious.  I have a husband to help support.  I want to diet and lose weight.  I have interviews.  I have to clean the house.  I have to be supportive to my husband.  I have to be a wife.

As you can imagine, the stress piled up on me to the point where it actually started manifesting physically.  I was scared out of my wits because I had no understanding of what was going on.  My symptoms were very similar to those of a heart attack.  Not the horrible chest pain and numbness of the arm, but the chest tightness, heartburn...all of the like.  So finally I went to the doctor. 

I knew it wasn't a heart attack.  I knew that it was anxiety and stress causing the pain.  Still, better to be safe than sorry.  Everything checked out perfect, as it usually does when I go to the doctor.  So still no answer, but only a theory. 

Today I had a follow up.  This time the doctor focused more on my digestive tract.  He believes I am somewhere between GERD and Gastritis.  This isn't great, but it isn't that good either.  The doctor thinks I likely had it developing and it was enhanced and heightened by the super stress.

It is nice to have something to say it is.  At least I can reassure myself this way.  To be safe, they drew blood and will run some tests, but he is confident it is as he said.

So what does that have to do with direction? 

All my life I wanted to be an archaeologist.  I've known that since I was a child.  At the age of 6 I could say Australopithecus and explain to you how evolution went from Austrolopithecenes to Homo Habilis. 

Suddenly I am taking a desk job.  This is a large chapter in my life.  Priorities have changed.  I have changed.  My direction has not.